I Have A Fat Dream!
Ninety eight, ninety nine and one hundred, oh you caught me I was just finishing up my workout…Ok you caught [...]
Ninety eight, ninety nine and one hundred, oh you caught me I was just finishing up my workout…Ok you caught me again I wasn’t working out lets face it, it’s March and I dropped that bullshit New Year’s resolution a while ago. Some of the well disciplined people stuck with it and will be very happy with themselves when Springbreak rolls around and they remove the Winter clothing and receive glowing compliments.
If you are a fellow fatass though, such as myself you were doing fine until some pain in the ass co worker came in selling chocolate bars for their kid “If little Billy sells 500 he wins an A-Pad” not even a Fucking I-Pad. well of course I have to support the little bastard on his endeavor to win a fake I-Pad, so I buy one. Now if you are thin you are saying “good for you man you only bought one and you supported a kid and stuck to the diet thats so cool” but if you are fat you know that the one bar led to countless others and me shamelessly spiraling out of control into a self loathing eating binge. I should have just bought the kid an I-Pad it would have saved me money, time and health.
What the fuck!? why isn’t being a fatty a respected addiction? Last week I saw a show about some bitch who was addicted to eating sofas!!! The week before a dude was eating laundry detergent. I guess it’s a good week when your sofa is still in tact, and you haven’t dipped into your Tide. Did the family members beat the crap out of these idiots or kick them out of the house? No, they baby talked some therapy to them, and brought in some high priced therapist…I could use that. You know what I say to those addicts?!? You Lucky Bastards!!! I am the forgotten addict…The addict that waits for the intervention that will never come. Laugh if you will but am I any less than the heroin addict found with the needle still dangling from their arm? Last night I fell asleep watching a motivational DVD with a half eaten ice cream sandwich melting on my chest. The night before that I couldn’t decide if I wanted to end my food hazed day with something sweet or something salty so I did what any dedicated fat ass would do-I ended up eating a 3/4 of a pound bag of chocolate covered pretzels…Oh yes I did…I would sell my mother’s jewelry to go to the All You Can Eat Buffet. And I would certainly drain grandpa’s bank account to be able to go through McDonald’s drive-thru window everyday for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
How much more can I do to not be the forgotten black sheep of the addiction family? I’ll say it, and believe me I would say it loud and clear if there was not cheese caught in my throat-I have a dream that someday all addicts will be treated equally!