The Ruckus

Well over the river and through the woods to Grandma’s house we go. Yes it’s that time of year again when families travel for hours on end just to share a meal and give thanks. So with all the cars on the road you want to take time and make sure that you fill your tank with high octane gas  for better performance and check the tire pressure in all 4 tires so that you arrive on time and safely. I mean God forbid you be late to your Mother-In-Law’s, don’t want to get there even a minute after the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade! I mean people would think you ruined the day if you missed seeing Santa come down the lane and start the Holiday season, only an insensitive monster would do that.
Sorry about that last paragraph, um, oh yeah, one of the main reasons for engine failure is loose or cracked belts. Of course my very overweight Aunt Nancy never seems to bother with a belt as she kicks off the holiday season by downing her  third glass of wine and climbing on a very weak table. She’s such a giving woman who never has a problem treating everyone to what she calls “A real striptease!”  The way she describes it “This is the way we did it back in the 20′s!” Oh, oh and of course it wouldn’t be a Happy Thanksgiving without 97 Year old Uncle Dom blazing up a fat one around the children, though with Aunt Nancy spinning her twin engine WWI propellers no one seems to notice. Now as if the weed and wine wasn’t enough Uncle Dom downs a gallon of scotch and proceeds to curse out Jack LaLanne, calling him an “A-hole.” Why you ask?  Well because while Uncle Dom lives his life smoking weed,  drinking scotch and making love to countless women at the I never want to picture any of that age of 97, that “no good son of a bitch” LaLanne only lived to 95.
I’m sorry, I really meant to give you some automotive travel tips. I need to focus and block out the dark memories. Check your brakes, you need to be able to stop. Speaking of “brakes” and “stop” it’s at this point Aunt Nancy stops by breaking the table that she is stripping on but not before the last of the bloomers comes off, she wear 4 of them, as she says “Just in case.” Not many are brave enough to help up a naked fat lady so my wife of course volunteers me. As I am trying to figure out where to grab this portly women so that I can help her up my wife’s 21 year old nephew Benny stands up and says “I will not be going to school next semester because I need to explore my gay side.”  To which I reply, “I thought college is where people explore their gay side.” If  all of this wasn’t enough for a family Holiday movie starring Drew Barrymore and Justin Long, my Mother-In-Law starts cursing like a sailor because she burned herself on the stove and she burned the turkey!”  My Father-In-Law then starts cursing about how nobody eats the turkey anyway and he doesn’t even know why she makes it.  And then everyone agrees because  I mean who really likes turkey? If we really liked it we would eat it more that once a year. Oh sure I like a nice turkey and swiss hero but a huge friggin’ roasted turkey sitting in the middle of a table? I don’t really enjoy when food looks like the animal that it is. That’s why I like chili, chili doesn’t look like a cow.  Anyway the whole turkey debates turns bad and curse-y and culminates with my Mother-In-Law, bless her soul, calling all of us a bunch of “fucking weirdos” and telling us “if you don’t wan’t turkey then get the fuck out!”  So we eat the very dry turkey as we begin a very unnecessary and unhealthy 9 hour eating journey, all the while knowing that we are going to turn around and do this all over again at Christmas.
Look, just get where you’re going safely…Or maybe just don’t go at all, that might be safer. On behalf of Team Ruckus I would like to wish each of you a safe and Happy Thanksgiving!